For Remembrance
by horchatita394
Summary: Warning: This fic has a running theme of recalling Dave's suicide attempt, and so though there is no vividly triggering imagery there are running allusions to the incident through out.  /There's rosemary, that's for remembrance; pray, love, remember./


_There's __rosemary__, that's for __remembrance__; pray, love, remember_

**2013**

He doesn't realize he remembers the date until Dave's next text comes in past the stroke of midnight. They'd been talking about nonsense, just reluctant to let each other go to bed and now he feels a sudden surge of panic. He wonders if Dave noticed the change of date; if he's been thinking about it for the past week, expecting it. He doesn't realize that the minutes of this day have started ticking by.

He doesn't think about it as he rolls right off the bed, grabbing a sweater and a pair of sandals and making his way out the door. He doesn't know exactly what his plan is here, if he'll mention why he's there or if he'll just fuck him until he can't remember his name let alone the date. He doesn't know, but he'll figure it out as he goes.

Dave opens the door looking exactly as Sebastian pictures him while texting late at night; mussed hair, wife-beater, and pinstriped boxers, "Sebastian? What the hell are you doing, you've got class tomorrow."

He smiles, leaning against the doorframe, "My education won't suffer from a long weekend, is the ambassador from Jersey Shore away?"

"Yeah," Dave scratches the back of his neck, "Sorority girl's birthday. What are you doing here?"

"What a way to greet your hot date. I wanted to see you," he pulls his Dalton tie from his hoodie pocket and ties it around the door knob, "that should get the message across to what's-his-name."

Dave smiles as he moves aside, taking in the sight of Sebastian fresh out of bed, sweatpants and hoodie and no time for his contacts, "You wanted to see me at one in the morning on a weeknight?"

Sebastian rolls his eyes and throws himself on Dave's bed, "Shut up, you don't have class tomorrow."

Dave climbs in after him, pressing a kiss to his shoulder, "I should be creeped out that you know my schedule."

He scoffs as Dave pulls his glasses off and kisses the bridge of his nose, "I should be creeped out that you sound like my father. I'm skipping today and I've skipped for stupider reasons than wanting to be with my boyfriend."

Dave's grin is that special Sebastian-said-boyfriend grin; very specific and alarmingly adorable, "Well… I'm glad you came."

Sebastian pulls back and squints at him, an expression of disgust blooming on his face, "You corny bastard, I should dump your ass right now."

Breaking into outright giggles against his pillow Dave nods over to his computer, "I can't help it; I was watching you serenade me."

Sebastian looks at him, smiling and relaxed against his shoulder, and he feels a sort of retrogressive despair at the thought that he might have lost this boy before he ever had him, "I'm alright Seb. You didn't have to come over."

He'd really hoped that he could pass this off as his own paranoia. That Dave's mind wouldn't wander a year back. His eyes are glued to the paused video on the computer and he remembers how he tried to make everything right with a few songs and some altruism, "Yeah, I did."

The easy smile drops, "You didn't think I was going to…"

"No," he throws an arm around him and rolls, pinning Dave below him, "No but I couldn't… I want to be with you."

Dave's hand squeezes around Sebastian's shoulder in that gesture that's become so familiar that it borders on necessary, it makes his eyes slip shut, "Things got better Seb, I'm ok. I'm more than ok."

He breathes purposefully, in and out like that time he tried yoga, "I just thought… you alone here today, and I just...couldn't."

Dave pulls him down, running his hand over Sebastian's back as if here were the one in need of comfort. Maybe he was.

"You know what my favorite part of that song is?"

He smirks, "The part where I snapped my hips?"

Dave rolls his eyes. "All that counts is here," he lifts a hand to Sebastian's cheek and runs his thumb over it, "and now. No matter what happened, you know? It's what's happening now."

"Yeah well, I have pretty flawless song choice," he rests his head against Dave's chest and lets the sound of his heartbeat soothe him; he doesn't fight the coming wave of sleep. He thinks back to the days when he could never imagine this, laying in the arms of a man and not having sex and falling into peaceful sleep and being so incomprehensibly happy. But that doesn't matter anymore, what matters is now.

**2016**

This is a terrible idea, but if he's one hundred percent honest (which is usually stupid and unnecessary) this was also a bad idea five hours ago in California. It is still a stupid idea in this miserable airport in stupid Ohio at one in the morning. He decides to take a minute to think things through, though it probably runs through with the theme of stupidity to think things through at the nearest bar.

It's about four in the morning when he hears the three firm knocks of his RA. He opens the door to find him looking exasperated, "Jake, dude, what's wrong?"

Jake sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose, "There's a guy outside, drunk off his ass. We were about to call the security but we got your name out of him and now he's crying."

"What? Who?"

"No one we know," Jake shrugged, "I don't think he goes here, but he looks messed up about something, and I just thought before we have him carted off and I have two days worth of paperwork on my hands, see if you wanted to talk to him."

"Okay hold on," he tried to scrub the sleep out of his face and grabbed a shirt, following Jake down to the lobby.

On some level he knew what he was going to find, _who_ he was going to find. It'd been hard, it'd hurt when they decided that they wouldn't be able to make long distance work, that Sebastian didn't trust himself to respect what they had while he was at Berkley no matter how much Dave put his trust in him. So they'd broken things off in the middle of being insanely in love, yet every summer Sebastian made his way back Ohio, and for three months out of the year they went back to them.

Except last summer. He didn't realize he was in his second serious relationship until Gabriel asked him to go spend part of summer with his folks in Boston. It felt wrong the whole trip and they'd broken up a few weeks later, but he'd felt perfectly justified at the time. He and Sebastian didn't have anything exclusive anymore, and their summer reunions were never actual _plans_. He remembers his father's slightly saddened tone when he told him that Sebastian had dropped by a week into his vacation and gone back to California two days later. _"He asked me not to call you," his father had sighed, "he didn't want to ruin your trip."_

And now here he was, drunk off his perfect ass, eyes swollen, and his head on Cynthia's lap. The girl smiled sadly up at him, "He's like a puppy that followed you home, look at him Dave."

Sebastian looked up and pointed, smiling, it was almost heartbreaking, "You thought I'd miss our date, huh?"

It was one of the few communications they did have in between summers, every year today Sebastian would call, or skype, or find some other way to hear his voice, act like nothing important was going on, and always _always_ make him smile. Like a…really sick and twisted anniversary. Sebastian had asked him once; if he didn't think it was morbid of him.

"_It's alright to remember and never go back to that place. You know, celebrating life today most of all."_

Dave sighed and kneeled beside him, "Come on, Seb. Let's go to bed."

"It's been a year David," he tried to smirk but only manage to look so _so_ sad, "don't you think you should buy me a drink first?"

When he wakes up the parade of stupid continues, starring a stupid hang-over and the stupidity of not knowing where the hell he is. He turns over and the pain throbbing in his brain seems to lessen, like there's clearness and softness that had been gone for a long time. Dave was asleep next to him, his breathing even, and his face peaceful.

He's an asshole and he thinks, with no small amount of bitterness, that his attempts to stay away from who he used to be have failed. Because he wants to be a good man, he wants to be the kind of person people are better off for knowing, but he's here. He's here and it's not for Dave. It's been a long time since he accepted that these days… he does them for himself. That Dave's doing great, much better than he is. And yet he's here, because after this summer he can't stand the thought that this year someone else was going to try to show Dave what he already knew; that life was sort of fantastic when you were happy with yourself and even better when you had love.

He knows Dave is awake now, even if he doesn't open his eyes, "I made a scene."

"Mhmmm," Dave still won't open his eyes, just paws a bit at his pillow and pulls the blanket up.

"Dave."

He watches as Dave's shoulders rise and fall in a deep breath before he opens his eyes. His gaze makes the words catch in Sebastian's throat.

"You shouldn't have come."

He feels like running, running so far he runs back to the day he decided this whole feeling thing was a good idea. He bolts out of the bed and tries not to stumble too pathetically but then Dave is there, holding him still, crushing him to his chest, "No, I didn't mean that, no... it just hurts Seb, when you don't stay. And you never stay."

He's not really sure when he started crying and his throat is tight and it's hard to get the words out, "But I always come back."

Dave laughs, fond and soft, "Yeah, you always come back."

**2019**

The day becomes less poignant as the years go by, but they never forget. They make love and don't fuck and they make a point of having dinner together and snuggle and laugh and live as much as they can on a completely casual day, because it's not about making it stand out but about remembering how the everyday can be wonderful.

But this year it almost slips right past them. They wake up late enough to skip morning sex (but not blow jobs in the shower, there's always time for those) and then it's "grab your orange juice go, you're going to be late" and "don't worry babe you're going to rock the mock" and "I swear if you make that pun one more time I'm leaving you". It's a quick kiss in the morning, texts about lasting three more days without going to do laundry, and then coming home and cursing at the landlord because the cable is screwy again.

Sebastian stretches on the couch and looks at the time, "Dave you're going to be late if you don't start getting ready now."

He doesn't get an answer, but then he looks at the time on his phone again and when he sees the date it hits him like a wrecking ball. He walks to their room where Dave was getting dressed for a business dinner that Sebastian had begged off, because really, the night after his mock trial he wanted to eat Chinese food and watch TV Land and not think about careers and how he might suck at his. But Dave's sitting frozen with his suit laid out on the bed and Sebastian can see it as clearly as he can; because of course Dave told him everything in detail one night between tears and kisses.

He doesn't say a word, just disappears into the bathroom and walks out minutes later in the suit he wore to school that day. Then he walks over to Dave and kisses him, soft at first, then fiercely as if willing to push the thoughts out of his body.

Then he pulls away and does something he never imagined he would. He looks at the man in front of him, this man who is sexy and beautiful and his, and he gets his clothes _on_.

"Eyes on my eyes," he whispers and ties the knot of the silken tie, quick and loose.

Dave breathes then, as if he'd held his breath the entire time, and chases Sebastian's fingers over the buttons of his jacket, "Thank you."

The kiss is gentle now, less purposeful, and when they pull away Dave is back to his easy smile, "What are you doing in does clothes, babe, I thought you had a standing appointment with sesame chicken and The Golden Girls."

"Nope," he smiles and straightens out the jacket, patting his hands over Dave's chest lingering over his still pounding heart, "I have a date."


End file.
